Recently I've reminded a number of people in my life of a sturdy ole saying. It takes two. Typically in the context of relationships. Not that I'm an expert. The hilarity of that thought practically brought tears to my eyes from painful belly laughs. Nope.
I have developed listening skills though. Chalk it up to years of being the quiet, thoughtful guy in the room. Mostly I just stayed out of the fray. Not competing with those dominating. Taking that bait often just jacked me up unnecessarily. Which wore me down faster. So I listened.
What I learned, and discovered I was pretty good at actually, was being the sounding board. Not always but often enough. Basically, just let others get something out. Hear their own words, ideally. I figure other intelligent adults don't need me to tell them what they already know. Just let them hear it from themselves. Simple. And often effective. For me anyway. How so?
It takes two. To me that has multiple meanings. First, one person cannot maintain a relationship by his or her self. Party A needs Party B to meet somewhere in the middle. Whatever that means. A and B need to find common ground that's mutually beneficial for both. It's hard for A to be on B's terms. Or vice versa. They BOTH have to put in the effort. One isn't enough.
The obvious flip side is that three's a crowd. For a relationship between A and B the ONLY players are A and B. Period! There is no room for C, D, X or Z. Unless by mutual consent an UNBIASED third party counselor is invited by BOTH parties to facilitate development of their interpersonal skills, for example. So even if you clearly see the problem between A and B, unless you are in fact A or B, that's none of your business. If you love them, let them learn work it out for themselves.
I know, we hate to see loved ones make avoidable mistakes. We can see their problem crystal clear. It's painful to watch them get hurt. We're tempted to protect them. But! Making our own mistakes is how we learn. Why deny others growth opportunity or self esteem that comes from from figuring it out for themselves? If someone asks, that's different. Just don't take sides. Others can't resist the urge sometimes. Good juicy drama is too tempting. Resist. Also, keep it in the vault. People need safe spaces. Honor those boundaries. Your relationship will thank you. That's what I believe anyway. To each their own.
No, it's not rocket science. This stuff is really pretty basic. So why do we so often mess it up? Again, I'm no expert. What I offer is food for thought. Remember, we're all human beings. Imperfect but intelligent. Logical and reasonable. Don't forget emotional. Because once emotion gets triggered in a situation, logic and reason go out the window. It's like that thinking part of our brain gets temporarily blinded by the feeling part. Deny it at your peril but we all have our sensitivities. And once on the defensive, we beep up. Then all bets are off. Deny that. I dare you.
Now, here's a variation that's perhaps more subtle. How exactly does an individual have a one-to-many relationship with a group of others? My answer is, that doesn't work. A can have one relationship with B and another with C. But that's two separate relationships with two different individuals. A relationship is one to one between two people. Period.
Yes, it gets tricky with parents and children. Call the parents A and B, and the kid C. A and B want to present a united front for many reasons. But it's a mistake for either A or B to hide behind the other. Just as it's dangerous for A and B to gang up on C. How can those tactics possibly build healthy relations? I say it's two relationships. A and C. B and C. AB and C isn't a relationship. It's something else.
Then it takes two to keep the relationship healthy. Why? Because people change. A changes. B changes. Everyone does. That's life - and hopefully means growth. The real challenge is to remember that everybody changes. In the heat of a moment, ideally. But better late than never.
I know, it's tough in part because we imperfect humans are also change averse. We embrace changes that we chose. But unwanted changes create stress. Durable relationships require both A and B to work together. (No finger pointing! That just triggers defensive blindness.)
Sure it's harder to hit a moving target. But middle ground between A and B drifts with time. That's normal. That's natural. That's life. The trick is tracking the motion and dealing with it in a healthy way. When are the two best times to do so? Early and often.
It takes two - exactly.
